Friday, April 11, 2014

Nothing To Sneeze At

Readers- Spring has sprung in North Texas, and the pollen count is higher than the percentage of North Koreans who officially voted in favor of Kim Jong-Un. As a result, I'm feeling as lobotomized as Randle McMurphy in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" (note to self: do not seek treatment from an oversized Obamacare doctor holding a pillow).

So although I'm honked off about plenty of things in the news (as usual), in my current condition I simply couldn't do any of the topics - or you - justice.

However, unlike the average Progressive, my addle-brained condition is only temporary and should clear up by Monday if I crank my energy-wasting office air purifier to 11, take plenty of antihistamines produced by evil Big Pharmaceutical companies, and (most importantly) hydrate, hydrate, hydrate by putting ice cubes in my whiskey.


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Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Byte the Bullet

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Attorney General Eric Holder, speaking before the House of Representatives, proposed the implementation of "common sense" gun reforms like the Rube Goldberg nightmare in today's cartoon.

Seriously, when some screaming maniac chainsaws his way into your house on a dark and stormy night and is shredding the closet door behind which your terrified family is huddling, do you want your gun disabled because of a complicated, fallible electronic ID bracelet designed by the same techno-idiots who came up with  ("Error 404 - Try Shooting Later!")

Clearly, there's a pretty wild disparity between Holder's belief that such an ID system for gun owners is simply "common sense," while a photo ID system for voters is, in his words, an "aggressive step to curtail the voting rights of African-Americans." The same African-Americans, we presume, who will be unable to defend their lives, their family, and their property if Holder's gun control proposal is implemented.

This inconsistency is troubling, but Holder doesn't see it that way. During his testimony, the Attorney General asserted that he has a "vast amount of discretion" about how he does or doesn't choose to enforce our nation's laws. Which doesn't make them laws so much as whimsical suggestions.

Still, despite all of our concerns, Hope n' Change is not entirely opposed to the idea of mandatory electronic ID bracelets. In fact, we're eagerly looking forward to the day one is locked around Eric Holder's ankle when he's finally convicted for his many crimes against the Constitution.

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Monday, April 7, 2014

April Pupdate

Readers- We're still working on our taxes and are therefore harboring particularly ugly feelings about the government which could easily cause us to say something we'd eventually regret...assuming that a hellfire missile fired from one of Barry's drones gives you time for regret.

So instead of moving up a few notches on the president's "kill" list, we're doing an update on Penny - the official dog of Hope n' Change!

Penny is a bit over 5 months old now which, according to a dog survival manual we're reading, is the start of the period between 5 and 7 months in which all dogs go through a transitional period of being Tasmanian devils. On meth. Seriously, she puts out more energy every day than Solyndra produced in its entire existence.

Penny has been growing fast and is currently about 30 pounds - and we have no idea how big she'll eventually be (we think she's a shepherd/beagle mix, although there seems to be a hint of mountain goat in there, too). We've recently enrolled her in obedience training and she appears to be pretty smart. At least, she's smart enough not to do anything until she knows she'll get a special treat for it, much like most politicians.

Happily, she's already won our hearts - not to mention winning a number of skirmishes in the long-fought battle to sit on the furniture. And while we still miss our previous dog mightily, Penny really has helped us cope with the loss - especially in the evenings when, owing to some miracle, our hyperactive pup turns into a loving, sleepy little source of warmth, comfort and existential peace.

In short, Penny is a (sometimes exhausting) joy and comfort for the whole Jarlsberg family. Although Mrs. Jarlsberg points out that she does have a slight resemblance to Bark Obama. Especially when she's eating her own poop.

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